Letter to Heaven #2

My Dearest Janel,

I had thought with my last letter to you that I was starting to accept the fact that you are gone and in fact I think writing was therapeutic for me.  Maybe I have just gone too long before writing my second letter to you because it has been very difficult.  I find myself tearing up every day, even now.  I wish you could still talk or communicate with me some how, some way.

I've been feeling like I've let you down in some way, that if only I would have noticed your symptoms sooner, that maybe you would still be with us today.  Are my tears more for the guilt I feel than the actual loss?  I don't know... it just hurts not to have you here!  I've read where guilt is one of the hardest phases of coping with a death of a family member.  Guilt plays out in a way that most of us do not understand and yet we may not even realize that we suffer from the feelings of guilt.  We often hear people say, what if or, if I would have just..., these are all part of guilt and we must understand it before we can learn to cope with it.  http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Manage-Guilt-When-Mourning-the-Death-of-a-Loved-One&id=541241

Then, I wonder what really would have been best for you, my Janel?  What's worse, dying from a heart attack or some other quick way, and not getting the chance to get your affairs in order or say goodbye, or being diagnosed with some terrible disease such as yours and having the opportunity (if that's what you want to call it) to say goodbye, even though you didn't really get to say goodbye because, I think, you thought you were coming home.  God, it was so hard to be by your side and know that you weren't, and to see mom and dad holding your hand and kissing you, knowing their beautiful daughter wasn't going to be with them anymore was truly unbearable.  We were mourning your fate before it really happened.  Janel, there was such a spiritual presence in your room that night with all your aunts, uncle's, cousins, and so on, as we held hands around you and prayed; I will never forget that moment.  We knew your end was very near.  We couldn't tell you that grim news.  We wanted you to keep fighting!  Was three days enough time???  Why can't we just accept death as a part of life???  Why do we have to hurt so much???  ................???  I WILL see you again one day my dear sister.

OK, let me dry my eyes and move on here.  On a lighter note, we had the Robinson Reunion this past weekend and the Piper Reunion will be next weekend.  Both of them are at the City Park this year.  What a beautiful park that is!  I just love those big sprawling oak trees, the large pond with all the ducks that roam throughout, those huge orange and black carp, the rock formations, and just how beautiful that park really is.  Unfortunately, the parking is not very good for the back pavilion, especially for the older generations.  And the concession stand is already closed!  Just because it's after Labor Day shouldn't mean they need to close up.  For heavens sake, it doesn't really get cold until November or later!  Remember when you and I took pictures of mom and dad for their 50th anniversary in 2008?  We thought we were professional photographers!  We did take some good pictures though.

Fantasy Football has started this week and I know how much you and I both grew to love it, not the game itself, but the competition between league members, and which players were scoring. Carl has made sports so much more interesting, hasn't he?  I now have a player I route for, Tim Tebow, with the Denver Broncos.  I know you would've loved him also.  Humility has always been a trait he has exhibited throughout his career.  For his final college game, he chose a Bible verse that showed why.  He wore Ephesians 2:8-10 on his eye black in the Sugar Bowl game.  You know, that streak of black paint the players put on just under their eyes to keep the sun from glaring in their eyes.  The verse reads:  “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves:  it is the gift of God:  Not of works, lest any man should boast.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.”  He's an amazing young man!

Autumn has unofficially come.  All of the leaves should be off one of our maple trees in the back yard by the end of September.  We just haven't had enough rain this summer.  I'm not sure we will even have much Fall color on the trees that do have leaves remaining.  We haven't mowed since June, only once two weeks ago to mulch up the leaves that had fallen.

Dad's working in the sun room, painting and refinishing.  It's odd when I go over there, not to see you out there helping him.  You were his "right hand man."  I know how much he must miss your help around the house.  You were everything...  I can wholeheartedly echo the words of Proverbs 23:24: “The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him.”

Oh, and I've added another song to My Playlist at the bottom of my blog.  It's #22 on the list, Last Cheater's Waltz by T. G. Sheppard... one of your favorites.  Mom had told me recently that you and her had slow danced to that song in the kitchen one day.  Every time I hear it now, I imagine you both dancing to that and giggling.

In writing this, I feel a calm.  I think you are with me now and see each letter as I type it.  I love you and pray you are by our Lord's side and continue to guide us.